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To A Special Thief
An Open Letter to the Person Who Stole My Grandma's Variegated Azalea Bushes
Dear Sir or Madam:
I understand being jealous. My septuagenarian grandmother really does have it all. For example, she has a house. And on top of that, she had the audacity renovate the front of said "house" and put in a brand new garden! That was clearly an affront, meant to show up you and your stupid-looking house, the one with all the garden gnomes and monopod flamingos and beds of scenic dandelions and body bags strewn about on the lawn. Also, I'll admit that what you did took some nut sack. Seriously, squatting down in the front yard of a house in the middle of the night, in a well-lit and neighborly section of Brooklyn, in the city that never sleeps, with a SHOVEL and some POTS and STEALING A SENIOR CITIZEN'S BRAND NEW BUSHES from the ROOTS - well, that requires an excess of cajones. And you've got 'em, buddy boy, you've got 'em.
Perhaps one day, a child will be playing in your yard. Maybe it will be a neighbor's child, or a cousin, or maybe it'll even be one of your soulless progeny. In my dream, that child will ask, "Hey, where did you get that gorgeous variegated azalea bush? They're not even native to Brooklyn; you have to go all the way to Long Island!" Then, with a smile, you will look down at that child and put your arm around her and say, "I stole it. I went in the middle of the night and stole it from a widow's front yard." After that, you will probably wink.
And then you'll all have some lemonade.
THE LEMONADE OF SHAME!
Love,
Erin
P.S. I spit on you ptew.
Posted by erinjudge at May 12, 2005 04:11 PM
Comments
What a hilarious and despicable crime! Kind of implausible, though. My theory is that you staged it to give yourself something to write about on this shitty blog. That's uncool. Why don't you just quote other blogs like all the other blogs? Original content is so every century but this one.
Posted by: snjoseph ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.erinjudge.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at May 12, 2005 11:13 PM
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